Spiderweb Fortresses

Could you ever doubt my love for you?

I lulled you to sleep
I was there in times of sickness and laughter
I had your back always
And I retreated from sex affairs where I didn’t belong
I supported you and I watched you, in awe
But now my love is poisoned
Trust is gone and I am suffocating
Jealousy has pervaded my love
A violent shark
Borne by insecurity
The fact you conveyed
That I wasn’t good enough
So now I hurt

I have no anesthetics
To get me through while you are being extracted
Wrenched away from me
Or maybe it’s my self-esteem
My carefree and happy love
Or this chunk of me that will stay with you
Ever
Withered and starved

I may blow up at you
Which would mean I am still putting energy into you
That I am trying to rescue us still
And you’ll probably call me hysterical
And walk away, slightly embarrassed
Or I may remain cold, dead
Hoping for your touch to thaw me
But I know you have no interest in coldness
And you will let yourself be carried away
Towards fiery types
Who will give you the worship you crave
As I used to.

I wished pearls for you
The thinnest of silks
The tastiest of fruits
My Persian prince
I wished the beauties of the world for you
As a pale match for yours.

The instant I saw you
My defenses were spiderweb fortresses
In the face of your beauty
My love was joy
My love was spontaneity
I never asked for more than I could get
I never begrudged you boys
Our natural habitat
It was so easy to love you
To cherish you
Because you loved me too
And I thought we could take on the world
I thought we were invincible

I wished the most beautiful princes for you
All your needs attended to
By smitten lovers
But you bury yourself in acrid dark rooms
In the embraces of old men
Who pay you in alcohol
Daddy Daddy get me another drink
You said once you felt soiled and tainted
And then you grew to like it
What can I do
My wishes for you so obviously off tune
Off key
Grotesquely inappropriate
Do I live in the wrong Fairyland?
I have writhed in pain for many weeks now
I have become inadequate
And the pain is an agony
Did I so wrongly assess my entitlement?
I just feel like throwing up all the time
All the time when I think about you
Which is all the time
When before, I used to think of light and laughter

Oh my love
My confidante
You have betrayed me
Betrayed/Me
And I am stunned
I can’t comprehend
And simultaneously I look for excuses
Oh, killing hope is a merciless thing
Do I have a choice
I have been reduced to a moan
A twist of searing pain
I need rebound away from you
Goddess forgive me
I feel worse than dead
I have been in agony for 12 weeks,
It has to stop
I can’t bear it anymore.